My 2017 Health Update: Healing From a Debilitating Disease
The world and social media move at a million miles a minute so in all of that you may not have noticed that I have been missing. I have not posted a single post, I haven’t shared any blogs and honestly, I have barely left my home other than quick outings, doctor appointments and hospitalizations. That is because I am in a season of severe health struggles. The most severe season I have experienced thus far.
It’s been awhile since I updated this blog with the latest on my health journey so I figured now would be a good time to do that.
This past year has been a challenge in many ways. I have been in an unrelenting flare of the Ulcerative Colitis and with it many other issues, not to mention a debilitating and high risk pregnancy. I am at a place where I feel I have tried everything. I got very relaxed with my diet to see if maybe the anxiety around food was causing a problem, that didn’t work. I got regular nutrition, iron and hydration IV’s and those only temporarily provided some help. I tried medical treatments, which ended up making me worse. I went in and out of the hospital many many times and emotionally got to a really bad place.
Because of the struggles with this most recent flare, I have been unable to maintain this blog, post to social media, serve in worship at my church, perform, make music and honestly when you have been as sick as I have been, those things have a way of fading to the background. Survival matters. Family matters. Faith matters. I have only been getting very short breaks from my symptoms and pain every once in awhile for maybe a couple hours. Those times are so precious that I have really had to analyze and reevaluate my priorities, so that time is used for the greatest purpose.
But I feel the passion and the fire in me again to write, to share my journey and to hopefully impact the lives of someone out there who is going through something. So I am hoping that this blog will be the beginning of consistent writing from me. But only God knows the big plan and I trust His path for my life. Whatever it is and in whatever timing He chooses.
I am believing Jesus for perfect health and complete healing.
I have ran my wheels into the mud trying to fix this health issue, trying to live each day, trying to find an answer, but Jesus has been showing me the power of healing that comes in surrender and in changing my thoughts.
I’ll be honest with you, I am normally a very positive, driven and passionate person, but in recent months with the severity of my illness very literally debilitating me, I got to an emotional place that I didn’t recognize. The feeling of missing out, the bitterness of being in very severe pain 24/7 began to mess with my head. Weeping several times a day in desperation became a normal part of my day. I have been in prison inside my own body.
In the past year I have been hospitalized several different times, all for the duration of weeks. I have been on at home care with nurses coming in and out of my home. I have had several blood transfusions. At one point I was needing a blood transfusion every 2-3 days just to survive. I have been on at home IV feeding where I was fed through an IV at home for 2 months. I have endured 2 surgeries with complications. I have been wheeled in a wheelchair, walked with a walker and been poked and prodded more times than I care to ever experience again. I have experienced incredibly negative side effects from every drug I have tried and sadly came to the end of the rope with what medicine could offer me. I failed all medical treatments. Where so many people were getting help and finding healing, I failed. Again and again.
The discouragement of being in that place can not be described. Because as an outsider looking in, you might see a struggle or empathize, but the pain I deal with on a regular mostly daily basis is the worst pain I could imagine. It is pain so deep you just want to go home and be with Jesus. Because the pain is too great to endure. The real cut to your depths pain. I know there are people out there right now who can relate, who can feel what I am sharing with you. Who know pain the way I am describing.
I have been unable to care for my new baby Zion and the Devil has used this disease to keep me down for long enough. After much prayer and thought, I decided to go forward with a surgery to remove my entire large intestine. It is a long process involving 3 surgeries over a 6-9 month period of time. I have undergone the first major surgery with an unexpected 2nd surgery because of a complication that left me miserable and in excruciating pain.
I do plan on sharing a more in depth look at my surgery story. More behind the decision, the process, the details and hopefully the final word on the whole thing very soon. But for now I wanted to share that I am in the process of a full colectomy to hopefully and prayerfully get my life back. To see this disease and the awful memories fade to black in the rearview mirror.
But even amidst the crazy suffering and hardship I have learned lessons, I have grown and I have been given a greater sense of direction and priorities than I could have ever done without the road I have crawled.
What God has been showing me lately is the power of my thoughts and the power of my words. I have made drastic lifestyle changes in recent weeks to naturally heal the disease and bring back quality of life, but the most important shift I have been learning is the shift of the mind.
I began believing lies of the world and the doctors over the word of God. I believed them when they told me I have an incurable disease, that nothing I do will help it, that this is my life now. When God’s word says that He came to set us free, to heal our diseases, to bring peace and eternal life.
God is in the business of healing. And I am no exception. I am so grateful that I serve a God who turns bad things into good. I can already see it in my own life just through this diagnosis and walking through this illness. He has worked miracle after miracle through it. He has rerouted the course of my life in a good way. He has remixed my dreams. He has changed me in ways I don’t think I would have changed without something as severe as the last 5 years.
Spiritually, I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been. This disease and season of desperation has pushed me into the arms of Jesus. I can’t imagine walking through this without his guidance, spirit and love.
I am spending time with him everyday renewing my mind and praying protection over my tongue. That my words would be in line with HIS word. That I wouldn’t allow myself to go on a negative thinking binge and come out feeling worse than ever. And I can honestly say he has given me so much strength to begin seeing progress in these areas.
His Holy Spirit is guiding me and bringing breakthrough after breakthrough. And oh man, there is so much freedom to be had!!
I am in a season where the ugly is coming up to the surface. The dust is being cleaned out and I am being transformed. Layer after layer. Season after season.
I can truly do all things through Christ who strengths me. It doesn’t mean it will be easy or always blissful, but with God all things are possible. Including healing from a debilitating or incurable illness.
When we lean into God for answers first, things begin to shift.
I believe I am in a season now where he is guiding me to healing. He is leading me to the right healing paths.
As a result, I am spending more time in the word and in worship and prayer than I am doing anything else. Because only in Him will I find the answers, the peace, the presence of God and the purpose of my life and existence.
I am really diving in deep with The Lord to the root cause, to the emotional triggers and working through the tough stuff.
Even with all the ups and downs and struggles this disease and this season has brought upon me, I continue to praise the Lord for the blessings I do have, for who He is, for the dreams and passions he is placing in my heart and for the hope that my future still holds. Hope that can only be found in Christ.
If you are walking through something right now that leaves you feeling hopeless or alone, know that you are not alone. I would love you to send me an email or comment on this blog. My heart is to use my journey and the transparency of real, raw life to build community and see people set free. I am here to talk and to be a support for you. Life is not meant to be lived alone.
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