An Honest Look At Who I Am
I have been taking an extended break from work and projects to soul search for the past month or so and the revelations I came to, have completely changed my world and showed me who I am. I have spent everyday reading, praying, resting, studying my Bible, seeking The Lord and figuring out where I am supposed to go from here. It’s been a journey of severe growth and clarity.
I wanted to come back with a declaration of who I really am, to show you what I learned during that break and where I am headed now.
I am ready to unveil and be authentically who God created me to be like never before.
Welcome into who I am, here it goes…
Last month everything I thought I knew came crashing down on me. I laid on the floor of my walk in closet next to my file cabinet and Michael Khors snakeskin heels and prayed like never before. I began to question what I am even doing, who am I and I hit a notable breaking point.
Prior to this meltdown in the closet, I began going down paths that aren’t even me. Trying to monetize skills that I have in an effort to find who I am. I was looking for a path that brings impact and positive influence in people’s lives but also brings freedom and stability.
To be honest, I had completely lost myself.
I officially hit a wall. Unable to move forward and feeling crippled I made the bold decision to take a month off of all work. To find myself, to refresh my passions and to remember why I started this journey of music and entrepreneurship to begin with.
You see, my life hasn’t been a bunch of rainbows and care bears in recent times. I have failed more times than I can count. I have cried more days than a grown woman should cry. And I have had more dark moments than I ever thought possible.
I was seeking a way to do something that ‘made sense’. I was trying to find a way to have freedom, impact but still have a rational income, a step by step process and to bring more light into my unknown dark hole, so I could be more comfortable and not have to step outside of my comfort zone every day. I was keeping myself safe.
In an effort to find stability I began waking up depressed and full of anxiety because everyday I was containing myself, holding back who I really was, the little girl inside of me with my pure big hearted dreams was drowning. I tried to convince myself I wanted to be something other than what I was, that my true dreams of changing lives through music didn’t matter to me, but they did.
It took a complete break down and severe anxiety that I couldn’t shake to realize I was plowing someone else’s field, I was being someone I wasn’t. Partly because I wanted to desire something else, I wanted to desire an easier path in life, one that made more ‘sense’ to the general public. I wanted to have more realistic dreams, more stability in my life, so I tried to suppress myself, to suppress what I felt God called me to do, to pull me back from what I have spent my life pursuing and being passionate about. I wondered why I woke up with a pit in my stomach and dread in my heart, but it was because I was acting in someone else’s script. I was denying who God created me to be and where He wanted me. I felt like a hole was missing. I kept trying to fill it with more projects, different pursuits, new business ideas and the hole just kept gaping because I was getting more and more away from who I was.
Our lives are put through the Facebook filter and behind those confident smiles and glamorous photos there is a real life. A human being. A struggle. A brokenness. And I was no exception.
I know it’s been a bit confusing following me over the past couple years. On my journey to find myself and find where I was called to be, I tried a lot of different things. I began a certification to be a health coach, because of my desire to see sickness and disease obliterated. But even with the right heart and expertise, it wasn’t me and it wasn’t what God had for me. I tried consulting for creative brands and helping women create online brands and businesses and after a while that began to feel like a prison. I was able to do it and have expertise in it so why didn’t it work? Because it wasn’t for me and God had a different plan.
Just because I know about something or am good at something, that doesn’t mean I should spend my life pursuing and building that endeavor.
My heart, passion and calling has always been in music.
That is what The Lord has put on my heart since before I could remember. I tried to make other things seem more important than it, and push it away, but every time I tried that, the desire, vision and need became stronger and stronger.
More importantly than that, is the real passion in my heart and what matters most to me over any career, vocation, hobby, or circumstantial situation. The most important piece of who I am and where I find my identity is in my relationship with Jesus.
That’s what matters more than anything else on this planet.
Jesus is where I find my hope, my faith, my strength to push on through struggles, through living with disease, and through my brokenness. (Tweet that)
My true desire and passion is to encourage you, to share hope and love and to walk in my God-given purpose.
To end all confusion, I’m not a health coach. I’m not a producer. I’m not a life coach or a brand specialist. I am a motivator, an artist, an encourager, a writer, a dreamer, a mentor, a visionary, an overcomer and most importantly a child of God.
Do I know how all of my passions are going to work together? No.
Do I know exactly what I will be doing from this moment out? No.
But I would rather have a life of unknowns in front of me than knowing what every day held for the rest of my life and being someone I am not. Where there are constant limitations and chains on my life.
That is where freedom lies. Purpose and fulfillment come at the crossroads of passion and boldness to be who you were designed to be. (Click to tweet that out)
I would rather be broke and live in the unknown than have a stable consistent income and lose a piece of myself every day.
From this point on I vow to step into who I really am. To be who God created me to be. To speak authentically. To share my soul and my heart. To use music to touch lives. To share my testimony of what the Lord is doing in my life. To encourage. And to never hold back.
I am passionate about stepping outside of our boxes about doing the impossible and living a life of purpose. Anything less than that, will eat away at you.
I’m not here to be idle. I’m not here to live a wasteful, useless life. I am here to live a purposeful life and to walk where God leads me to walk.
Welcome to who I am.
Love this article? Join the community and never miss a post!
There is power in sharing our stories and the lessons we learn.